(Eldest) daughters... are you ok?
Do you have 10 million thoughts racing through your brain at any given time? Do you wake up feeling anxious about your parents, siblings, or family in general, and if you've been doing "enough"?
Do you find yourself constantly feeling like you need to please others?
If so, you might be suffering from EDS also known as Eldest Daughter Syndrome.
Now, before you think I just made that term up — I didn't.
The plight of eldest daughters has recently come to light, with many sharing their experiences on social media, providing further insight into what EDS is and how it manifests in their lives.
"Eldest daughter syndrome isn't a diagnosable condition, but rather the behaviours, thought patterns, and priorities that can arise from what's known as being "parentified" as a child," notes one recent online article.Â
Essentially EDS is prioritizing the responsibilities, feelings, and emotions of others because you are the oldest girl in the family, while often neglecting or sacrificing your own mental health and well-being.
What is a good daughter?
A big part of EDS is desperately wanting to be a good daughter to your parents.
You're trying to be a responsible, respectful, high achiever who doesn't want to disappoint your mom and dad. Not only that, you want to make sure that they're happy. If your mom is stressed or upset, you probably feel the need to mitigate whatever is troubling her. Or, if your parents are arguing, you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders to make it better. Not only are you a daughter who doesn't disappoint, but you're also an unofficial therapist because if there's anyone determined to fix things (aka feelings) it's you.
I remember times when my parents had disagreements and I would spiral for days wondering if there was anything I could do to make it better because I also felt like it was my job to make sure my mom and dad were ok. There's nothing a 10-year-old can do to "fix" whatever their parents are going through, but EDS has a way of making you think you can and should.
Being a good sister
EDS isn't just about balancing the needs and feelings of your parents: it also means being a good older sister.
If you're an older sister, you probably pride yourself in being that one person your sibling can come talk to about (almost) anything. You're their advisor, their guidance counsellor, a life coach, a friend, and kind of like a mom, but you don't want to parent them too much because that would mean you would be tip-toeing into "parental" territory.
As I get older, the more I constantly worry about my much younger brother. If he's out late with friends, I am checking in to make sure he'll have a safe way to get home. If he's having a hard time navigating something in his life, my mind is going off about what to do to help him. If he calls me for advice, I will drop everything to pick up. To clarify, none of this feels burdensome to me at all; I want to make sure I'm the pillar of support for my sibling, but it also feels even more significant because as the eldest daughter and sister I feel like it's my role.
Our moms and Eldest Daughter Syndrome
Of course, not all eldest daughters go through EDS the same, because the way it's experienced is unique to culture, race, socioeconomic status, family structure, and personal circumstance in general.
For some, it means taking on domestic responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, and caring for younger family members to support their parents while they are at work.
Others have to take on responsibilities outside the home like filing taxes, helping their parents with financial matters, and being their translator to the outside world.
As the eldest daughter in her family, my mom has told me stories about being shy of third grade when her mother tasked her to prepare full meals for her family. I can't imagine my mom at eight years old standing by a stove and making rotis, but she was the eldest daughter —who else was going to take that on?
When she learned that a bus driver on a local route was telling my grandfather— who used public transit often— that he smelled disgusting and instructed him to sit at the back of the bus because of the colour of his skin, she sprung into action and contacted a local politician to let him know racist acts were taking place on the transit system.
She took it upon herself to be a protector and caretaker, when she was just a child and I don't think anyone stopped to ask her if she was ok.
This seems to be the story for many eldest daughters, especially from our mom's generations; they took on the role of a mother far before actually becoming one.
Being the eldest daughter looks and feels differently for everyone who is one, but regardless of your circumstances, it comes with deep emotional weight.
It's almost like carrying a backpack of feelings connected to your family wherever you go.
Even though I am married and have been moved out of my parent's home for several years now, there's not a day that I don't worry or think about my role of being a daughter and sister in hopes that I'm still there for them enough, or that I show I care enough.
I know they would never make me feel bad or guilty about not being "there" as much as I think I should be, but it still brings its own kind of sadness that I think only daughters (not just the eldest ones) understand.
I don't have the answer for how to get "rid" of EDS, but I do think a way to decrease the"weight" of the emotional backpack eldest daughters carry comes with acknowledging that although you feel the need or responsibility to care for others, you also need and deserve to care for yourself.
If, after reading this post, you realize that you're an (eldest) daughter who has neglected her own feelings, I'll leave you with one simple question:
Are you ok?
